Abba, I need more faith this morning. I need to know that You are here with me and that you see me and know me and still love me. I need to know that I matter to You. And I need direction. I feel like I have no idea what I am doing here on this earth. I need Your hand to guide me and show me what I need to be doing on a daily basis. I am just super lost trying to figure this out on my own. Only You have the whole picture and know what is the best course. I only see through a glass darkly and right now that glass is really fogged up.
I get so worried about the future that I don’t know how to live in the now. It feels like my days consist of sitting and worrying and doing things that are meaningless. I want to know that I am making a difference to someone out there…that I am making a difference for you. I want to know that You think I am doing a good job. I want to feel like I am where I am supposed to be. It feels like I am just dangling over a precipice and waiting for the last terrifying moment when the string holding me breaks loose. I just feel so defeated wondering what the point is to what I spend my time on. Will you lead me? Will you send me where you want me? Right now, my life feels meaningless.
Is there a person out there who is supposed to tell me what I need to work on? Do I need a partner in my life? Do I need a boss at a job? Why do I struggle so much with keeping my life full of things that I find meaningful? Is it because I am still grieving over loss? Is it because I have a personality disorder or PTSD? Am I depressed? Am I not right in the head? Do I need to seek help from other people or is it ok to curl up in bed and just cry because I don’t have the answers? I feel like I am failing the test of life. Is life a test? I know it’s not, but there are a million things that I want to be faithful in that I am not and I don’t understand why I keep messing things up. There are a million things that I do right also, but it feels like they are a drop in a bucket.
So God, since I can’t get it right, I need You. I need Your direction, Your will, Your ability to love others, Your light to guide me, Your clarity for relationships, Your eyes of love on me, Your vision for my future, Your kindness to me, Your favor as I do the things that You guide me into, Your EVERYTHING. Whatever You have for me today….that’s what I want. I can’t do this on my own. This thing I have called life is too much for me. I need Your life in me more than I can say. I need ALL of YOU to fill ALL OF ME, because I have nothing left. I have nothing without YOU.
Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.”
John 4:13-15
sallythetall 