“I want to end my life. How should I do this?”

“I want to end my life. How should I do this?”
You’re still alive. You still care about others. Others still care about you. Maybe you can’t see that right now because the hole you’re in is so dark.

I care. I don’t know you so I don’t know how to help you see your worth. But you are worth more than you realize right now. There are people out there who would die for you so that you could live.

Sometimes it’s dark and terrifying in this life, but there is hope.

You are not alone and you are worth more than you realize right now. Maybe someone or something is hurting you and you want a way out. Ending your life is not the answer. If the people around you are not showing you that you are loved and worthy of love, ask God to show you a way to find what you need in this life. We all need to feel safe. We all need love.

God answers us when we really want to know him. And we can’t know him unless we talk with him ourselves. Other people can’t “know” him for us. He is a person. He wants to get to know you right where you are right now. He wants you to talk to him about why and how you got to this place of desperation. And he wants to help.

I have been where you are several times in my life. I wanted to and was ready to take my life many years ago, but God told me that I didn’t have to live my life alone anymore and that he would be with me, that he would live in me if I wanted him to.

So I told God that I couldn’t do it anymore on my own and that I needed him. After that, I was never alone again and I wasn’t so afraid of living anymore.

Someone I love ended his earthly life in 2016. I know if he could take it back he would. He was looking right into my eyes when he shot himself and he was beyond horrified at what he had done. But then I saw a beautiful presence hold his spirit and give him peace before he left this world. God held him and let him know that he was forgiven and loved no matter what he had done. He was worthy of love.

You are worthy of love. You are important and special, just the way you are, no matter what you have done. No matter what has been done to you, you are loved by the most powerful force in the universe.

There are people on this earth who would die to save you.

There was one on this earth who did.

His name is Jesus. I know because he saved me from myself. I am here on this earth knowing that I am worth something ONLY because God answered me when I was in a tub with a sharp knife years ago.

Jesus pulled me from a dark place and brought me into the light of knowing I mattered and that I am important to him and to others. The truth is that you are not alone. The truth is that you matter. The truth is that you are loved.

What is the Point?

What is the Point?

Abba, I need more faith this morning. I need to know that You are here with me and that you see me and know me and still love me. I need to know that I matter to You. And I need direction. I feel like I have no idea what I am doing here on this earth. I need Your hand to guide me and show me what I need to be doing on a daily basis. I am just super lost trying to figure this out on my own. Only You have the whole picture and know what is the best course. I only see through a glass darkly and right now that glass is really fogged up.

I get so worried about the future that I don’t know how to live in the now. It feels like my days consist of sitting and worrying and doing things that are meaningless. I want to know that I am making a difference to someone out there…that I am making a difference for you. I want to know that You think I am doing a good job. I want to feel like I am where I am supposed to be. It feels like I am just dangling over a precipice and waiting for the last terrifying moment when the string holding me breaks loose. I just feel so defeated wondering what the point is to what I spend my time on. Will you lead me? Will you send me where you want me? Right now, my life feels meaningless.

Is there a person out there who is supposed to tell me what I need to work on? Do I need a partner in my life? Do I need a boss at a job? Why do I struggle so much with keeping my life full of things that I find meaningful? Is it because I am still grieving over loss? Is it because I have a personality disorder or PTSD? Am I depressed? Am I not right in the head? Do I need to seek help from other people or is it ok to curl up in bed and just cry because I don’t have the answers? I feel like I am failing the test of life. Is life a test? I know it’s not, but there are a million things that I want to be faithful in that I am not and I don’t understand why I keep messing things up. There are a million things that I do right also, but it feels like they are a drop in a bucket.

So God, since I can’t get it right, I need You. I need Your direction, Your will, Your ability to love others, Your light to guide me, Your clarity for relationships, Your eyes of love on me, Your vision for my future, Your kindness to me, Your favor as I do the things that You guide me into, Your EVERYTHING. Whatever You have for me today….that’s what I want. I can’t do this on my own. This thing I have called life is too much for me. I need Your life in me more than I can say. I need ALL of YOU to fill ALL OF ME, because I have nothing left. I have nothing without YOU.

Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”  The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.”

John 4:13-15